Life Without Him
by Rachel Snape17
Summary: Phoebe's thoughts on life without Cole after the Season 5 premiere. Rating could probably be PG, since all it's got is some sad topics, but just to be safe. Please Read and Review!


Rating: PG-13 for mention of death and some heavy issues. Nothing too bad though.  
  
Copyright: I don't own anything related to Charmed. These characters are not mine; I'm just borrowing them, and I promise to put them back when I'm done.  
  
Spoilers: This takes place after the Season 5 premiere.  
  
Summary: Phoebe's thoughts on life without Cole.  
  
Author's Note: I just felt I really had to write this after watching the premiere. As it is now, I won't be adding more, but we'll see where the new season goes. Maybe there's still hope for Cole. Anyways, please read and review.  
  
Life without Him  
  
When I first saw him in court, I was shocked. He was supposed to be in the demon wastelands, supposed to be vanquished. I had done the deed myself. I could still remember that look of pain, the way he looked as though I had ripped out his heart when I said the spell that destroyed him. I don't think he realized that he had broken my heart as well.  
  
There he was talking to me, saying words that I didn't really comprehend, telling me that he loved me. I wanted to scream. Inside, I know I was. How could he claim that he still loved me when he had ruined my life? My baby, my love for him...he had let it all go to waste, just to indulge his demonic half. Maybe he never really was human after all.  
  
Then he looked into my eyes as I held the scissors in a defensive stance, not wanting him to come any closer; it just hurt too much. His eyes gazed into mine, and I almost melted. Almost. Then I remembered the innocents he had killed, the way he had fooled us all. This man, no, this demon, standing in front of me had broken my heart and caused the death of my child, all because of his love of power. Obviously, that lust for power that the demon part of him yearned for was more than his love for me.  
  
How could he stand there and tell me he had changed? It was the same thing I had heard too many times now for it to hold any meaning. Hadn't he given me that exact promise before? The same promise that he would change for me, because our love was stronger than all of the demons of hell. Well, it hadn't worked out that way. This man in front of me wasn't my husband. He was a demon, and he had hurt, a hurt that ran deep inside to my heart. So I cut him, cut him with the scissors. His blood fell, and I gasped as it moved in ways that neither demon nor human blood should move. Now not sure what he was, I fled. Why did it hurt so much?  
  
I tried not to think about him, tried to block his image out of my mind. But I kept hearing his voice; he kept invading my thoughts. Then we said that spell, Piper, Paige, and I. I became a mermaid, and I thought maybe I could escape him. The sea was so welcoming, so open. I could lose him easily. More importantly, I could lose myself.  
  
I had heard Piper, Paige, and Leo saying that my heart was turning cold, and maybe it was. So what? I didn't need a heart anymore, anyways. What good is a broken heart? I just wanted to get away. To make it stop hurting.  
  
Even the chilling waters of the sea couldn't freeze my heart enough that I didn't care for my sisters. Sisters. The word still brings another face to my mind, a face that I'll never see again: Prue. Even though it's been a long time since her death, the pain still feels fresh. I can see the blood on Piper's hands; hear my own sobbing as though I'm not really there. I love Paige, but I really don't know if I will ever learn to fully believe that Prue won't show up someday, that she won't pop in the front door and give her baby sister a hug. I miss her.  
  
I wanted so badly to have my baby. I wanted to be a mother. But that chance was destroyed, by him and his demonic side. Now Piper is the one who's pregnant, and we're all supporting her. I want her child to be healthy, want with all my heart for it to live when mine died. And I know that I won't be able to stand losing another sister. That's why I went back.  
  
We saved Piper, and her child. I thought that was it, that I could go back to the sea that seemed so vast and endless. But something happened that I hadn't anticipated. He showed up again.  
  
My first thought was anger, outrage. How dare he use his powers to bring me to him?!? I was no longer his wife; he was no longer my husband. The love that had bound us so closely together was lost because of his actions.  
  
Or was it? As he spoke to me, I saw a certain peace in his eyes. That fire that had burned there, the determination to win back my love; it was gone. Replacing that fire was a sense of trust that conveyed the thought that he somehow knew how I felt. And I realized that I did still love him. That was why I ran away. I was running away from the truth, because I was afraid to face it.  
  
I could tell that he thought things would go back the way they were; his eyes were like an eager puppy dog. And, for a few moments, maybe I wished we could go back in time and set things right. But we couldn't; things had changed. I don't know if it hurt him as much as it hurt me. I don't think it did, because he can still hold onto the dream that we'll make things right somehow. But I don't believe in dreams any more. I'm too old for fairytales and happily-ever-after endings.  
  
I may love him, but he hurt me. He hurt me badly; a hurt that I don't think will ever heal. Because of that, I know we can never be what we once were. We can't be one single soul, but must remain apart. I know my answer gives him pain, because I can sense it through his body language. Oh Cole, how I wish things were different..  
  
The truth is, though, that they aren't. Things happened, and they can't be changed. Now it's time for me to go one without Cole, without the man who was my husband, my soul mate. I can't dwell in the past. It's time to face life without him. 


End file.
